Fears and Tears
Honestly, my worst fear, is losing friends.
And I feel like I’ve been doing that. I suddenly haven’t had any time to hang out with the people that I call my best friends. And I feel like it’s all my fault. I mean it probably is. I can’t tell myself that these are my best friends and tell so many people that I’m getting tattoos to represent them and then not be in contact with them for this long. It is my fault. I haven’t tried to call them to figure out when we could hang out and chat. I’ve just talked to other people and done nothing to rebuild the friendship that I know is crumbling in front of me. And it’s scaring me. I feel like I’m losing people that I have relied on for so many years, it’s killing me. I’m being torn apart. I just posted about how happy I am. But I started actually thinking about things that I haven’t been thinking about. I’ve been putting them off to the side and that was the stupidest thing I could have done. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. These people who were, no, are, so damn important to me are suddenly slipping from my life and I’m not doing anything to stop it. Sure, high school ends, college begins, it’s a new life, a new set of friends. But I don’t want that. I’ve had to make new friends too many times. I really don’t want to start over again. I want to keep my old friends, I want all those memories to stay with us forever. I can’t do this. I can’t make new friends at yet another new school. It’s too much. But I’m the nicest person that many people have met. I try too much. That’s why. I’m crazy and I can’t survive without some connection to people. I don’t like it. Being connected to all these people isn’t good if it means that I’m being disconnected from the people that really meant something in my life. I don’t know. I’m not sure why this all suddenly came up. I’m starting to stress myself out and it’s not good. I hate crying. I haven’t cried in a while, I’ve been too happy. But this is getting to me. Now it’s getting to me. I don’t understand why it’s getting to me after I got a boyfriend, after I got a job, right before school starts. It’s happening though, I don’t understand the timing, but I can’t do anything about it. Maybe I just make drama for myself because I feel like I’m too happy and others aren’t. I don’t understand myself anymore than any of you do. I’m stressing myself out and having these things on my mind probably isn’t good when I’m going to start my first day at a new job. But I guess the job will be a distraction. Another reason for not seeing my friends, and another reason to come home and feel like shit.
