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I got to go to Valley Fair today with Corbin and his dad and sister and some friend of theirs, Sarah. It was super duper fun! I absolutely love Valley Fair and before I went with my physics class near the end of the school year I hadn’t been there since 6th grade, so it was awesome to be able to go again in such a short period of time compared to the last. Anyway, it was super awesome, day filled with some fatty foods, tons of rides, getting majorly soaked from The Wave, and general good fun. I’m glad I got to go along and spend the day with Corbin’s family. They make me feel really welcomed and included and it’s nice. I kinda wish my family would do the same kind of things. I mean I’m going to the Ren Fest with them on Sunday. They treat me so much it’s crazy, but it’s nice, I like feeling like part of the family. And I don’t want to leave it. I’ve spent time with some of his cousins, and aunts and uncles. I’ve met his grandparents. And he’s met my mum and her husband, my three step siblings, their mom, and my brother. He has yet to meet my dad and his partner, and I feel like it will be a while until he meets my extended family. It makes me feel bad, it’s like, suddenly I’m spending a lot of time with his family and not mine. But I almost feel like it’s easier to spend time with them. We don’t do fun things like they do such as Valley Fair, Ren Fest, and eventually the State Fair. I mean we used to go to the State Fair a lot more when I was younger, but we kinda stopped and I started going with friends, with my own money. I don’t know, I just feel so included in his family and feel like he isn’t at all included in mine. Our parents have never met each other either. So I don’t know if that’s a thing or not, but I feel like it would make talking about Corbin’s dad to my mum a little easier. I wish we could all have a bonfire together or something. But I don’t see that happening without a fire pit or something. I don’t know, this was supposed to be a YAY VALLEY FAIR blog, and it turned into my thoughts again.
Honestly, my worst fear, is losing friends.
And I feel like I’ve been doing that. I suddenly haven’t had any time to hang out with the people that I call my best friends. And I feel like it’s all my fault. I mean it probably is. I can’t tell myself that these are my best friends and tell so many people that I’m getting tattoos to represent them and then not be in contact with them for this long. It is my fault. I haven’t tried to call them to figure out when we could hang out and chat. I’ve just talked to other people and done nothing to rebuild the friendship that I know is crumbling in front of me. And it’s scaring me. I feel like I’m losing people that I have relied on for so many years, it’s killing me. I’m being torn apart. I just posted about how happy I am. But I started actually thinking about things that I haven’t been thinking about. I’ve been putting them off to the side and that was the stupidest thing I could have done. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. These people who were, no, are, so damn important to me are suddenly slipping from my life and I’m not doing anything to stop it. Sure, high school ends, college begins, it’s a new life, a new set of friends. But I don’t want that. I’ve had to make new friends too many times. I really don’t want to start over again. I want to keep my old friends, I want all those memories to stay with us forever. I can’t do this. I can’t make new friends at yet another new school. It’s too much. But I’m the nicest person that many people have met. I try too much. That’s why. I’m crazy and I can’t survive without some connection to people. I don’t like it. Being connected to all these people isn’t good if it means that I’m being disconnected from the people that really meant something in my life. I don’t know. I’m not sure why this all suddenly came up. I’m starting to stress myself out and it’s not good. I hate crying. I haven’t cried in a while, I’ve been too happy. But this is getting to me. Now it’s getting to me. I don’t understand why it’s getting to me after I got a boyfriend, after I got a job, right before school starts. It’s happening though, I don’t understand the timing, but I can’t do anything about it. Maybe I just make drama for myself because I feel like I’m too happy and others aren’t. I don’t understand myself anymore than any of you do. I’m stressing myself out and having these things on my mind probably isn’t good when I’m going to start my first day at a new job. But I guess the job will be a distraction. Another reason for not seeing my friends, and another reason to come home and feel like shit.
Two posts in one day?! Wow, am I getting good at this, or is this just a phase? I don’t usually write this much out in two days, and more than one blog type thing in one day. I guess it’s all because of this guy I know. He’s amazing. I’m so happy to call him mine. I never really thought that I could begin to fall for someone like I am. I know people say “I have the best boyfriend/girlfriend ever!!!” all the time, and obviously it’s just how they feel about the person they are dating. I’m pretty sure that people should think that the person they are dating is the best, otherwise they wouldn’t be dating. I just know that, I’ve seen couples fight, or had my friends complain about their bf/gf to me, but I don’t have any complaints about mine. Not a one. Who knows, it’s only been a little over a month, but I don’t see us ever getting in an argument or getting annoyed with the other. We are insanely similar. It’s like hanging out with the male version of myself, that happens to be older, so we are not twins. I just know that I can pretty much say anything around him and he will agree. We have so much in common. We are both Norwegian, both blonde and blue eyed (though I’m strawberry blonde and my eyes change colours), we both like the same movies, both like Joss Whedon, both like food such as bacon and mac&cheese, both like to play video games (though I mainly like to play them with him), both don’t drink or smoke or do any drugs, are both really cheesy, and both like one another. I mean I don’t want to be the cutesy girl on the internet that does nothing but talk about her boyfriend. But I’m mainly just trying to get out how truly happy I am. I may have found my soulmate. Is that weird?
I don’t know, all I know is that I’m happy when I’m with him, and that’s all I need.
Corbin is all I need.
Having connections is awesome. Because they can land you a job. I live by Pepitos/Parkway Theatre and it belongs to the dad of one of the moms on my block. She said she would talk to someone to see if there were openings, and to come in and fill out an application. So today I went in, filled out an app, then talked to her brother. He asked me to come in tomorrow at 4pm to work with one of the cashiers at that time until as long as I could stay. I kind of wish I had thought about it way earlier in the summer and had gotten the job then, but better late than never. The only problem with having a job is less time for other things, like hanging out with the lovely boyfriend I just wrote about. But we will make time. Somehow. I mean school is about to start, and I’m going to have homework and a job. I really hope that I can manage it all! I wonder if I could change my schedule to part time and then also do part time next summer. If I could do that and still get my associates in two years that would be cool. I don’t know. I will have to figure it out. I don’t have some of my required classes which will give me the credits to be a full time student.
Man, college is difficult and it hasn’t even started yet.
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I never thought that I would ever find someone. High school was crap. I always felt like the third wheel with my closest friends. I always felt so alone. I was told that having a boyfriend wasn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. The only problem was, I was being told this by all of my friends who had boyfriends. Sure, that’s easy for them to say, they have their happy little life off to the side. I didn’t. I wanted to hang out with friends, but they wanted to hang out with their boyfriends. I was sure I was destined to be alone. I mean, every crush I had just made me feel stupid, they were always wrong for me. I had a huge crush on one of my friends Freshman year and they didn’t even notice, then they dated some other girl, and I don’t see why he would have wanted to date her. I had a crush on this other kid, which even the memory of liking him makes me want to kick myself, I asked him to Sadie Hawkin’s and he didn’t want to go with me, we could have gone as friends, but I wasn’t good enough, though I am way better than any of that anyway. Then this year, I had a big crush on this one guy. A drummer in a band. Who was really good at guitar and bass as well, and though I never heard him, he could apparently sing too. Oh wow, a band guy, wouldn’t that be the best?! Uh, no, not really. Every time I thought he seemed interested I just felt stupid. He was cute, sure, but I apparently wasn’t cute enough. You can’t give a girl really long hugs and tell them after a while of not seeing them that you haven’t had your “Maren fix” I mean come on. And that was after I decided he was a complete douche. I can’t have a crush on a guy that will say things like “gay gay gay gay hahaha” just to annoy one of my other friends. My dad is gay and has a partner and I absolutely love both of them. And if you have a problem with that, I have a problem with you. I gave up. Though my friends weren’t really, they were telling me that I should go out with this guy, or that guy. ‘Not gonna happen’ is all I could think. I was told by some friends that I needed to meet one of their friends. Because they played music and liked a lot of the same things as me. He was a really cool guy and we should all get together and play music. Somehow ended up talking to the guy on facebook. We would be on chat until 3am just talking about whatever. I had the idea that we could meet up and then when came time that our friends said we all should hang out then we would already know each other. It would be a laugh. I told a different friend that I was meeting up with him and she looked at his profile and basically said “I approve, date him”. No! I have talked to this guy online, I barely know him. We are just going to hang out, it will be a fun day. We were going to the Harry and the Potters concert. I missed them last time they were in town and I didn’t want to miss them again, and I figured going somewhere with a bunch of people around would be best. One of my other friends went too, she likes Harry Potter and knows the books, though she had never seen them before so didn’t know the songs, she figured it would be fun. I was glad to have another friend there. I mean when this guy came to pick me up I wasn’t sure what would happen. It’s different talking online than in person. I mean sure we can talk until 3am but who says that there wont be awkward silences on the car ride to the concert. There weren’t. We got along well. Actually, more than well. We ended up holding hands and me being in his arms a lot. He leaned over to me and said “I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, but you’re really really pretty.” Seriously?! Talked to this guy a few times online, then the day I meet him he tells me I’m pretty, then later says “I think I was wrong earlier, you’re actually gorgeous.” Okay, swoon much? I mean come on, I’ve had crushes on guys, and they never, never, made me feel good about myself, they made me go home feeling stupid for liking them. I never thought that the day I meet someone face to face that they would tell me I’m pretty, gorgeous even. So you know, I kissed him on the cheek, then he said that it made his head spin. How the hell did I find a guy this adorable in such a short amount of time? It was all too perfect. We ended up going down to a dock that he used to go to a lot. That was where he kissed me. First guy that ever gave me butterflies and first guy that ever kissed me. I meet a guy face to face that I talked to online, and that day we end up dating. I feel lame not having a boyfriend in high school, but actually, I’m kinda glad it didn’t happen until after high school. I feel like high school is just too drama filled to have a boyfriend. Anyway. I suppose this all got brought up because on Saturday it was our first of what I hope will be many months. It’s weird, at some points I feel like it was only last week that we were hanging out at the beach playing frisbee, being only the third time I had seen him in my life. At other times I feel like it’s been longer, 2 months at least. But I guess that’s how it goes when the person you are dating is pretty much the same as you. I guess I could say that I have found my dream guy. We like pretty much all of the same things. Bacon among those things because it’s so delicious. I play video games with him which he never would have expected to be able to play video games with his girlfriend. He has told me that I’m his dream girl, and I never thought I could be anyone’s dream. I know that talking about forever when it’s been a month is kind of something that most people hope for. But I really wouldn’t mind if this was my first and last relationship. I have found someone that makes me feel better about myself, someone that will just hold me when I want them to, someone who is almost as good at hugging as I am. I’m just happy. Finally I don’t feel like I’m alone in the world. Of course I’ve always had amazing friends so I knew I was never alone. But I have someone I know will talk to me when I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I’m pretty sure I’ve found where I belong. I’m hesitant when it comes to being in love. I don’t think I’m in love at this point. I do love him, but I’m not in love.
Though I might just be falling there.
Shilah! What a sweet dog! Except when she steals peoples clothes out of their bags and chews on blankets. Otherwise she is adorable.
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